I was never the standard when it came to what a Christian was expected to be. This was seen in the way I dressed, how I spoke, to even how I walked, not to mention that I wasn't from a close-knit Christian background, I wasn't meek, I wasn't inexperienced with worldly things, nor was I ever seemingly seen as anything more than just a "young Christian." Even when I came to Christ, there were still things that made me stick out. I spoke loudly at times; I was too sarcastic; I had a past with the world; I had unsaved parents and siblings so I never had a family I could 'present' (not for shame, I just simply was not the stereotypical child with a family in church); I had experiences with parties; secular music; skimpy outfits; and just about every bad thing Christians should refrain from.
Now, speaking from a moralistic standpoint, I knew right from wrong, and even as an unsaved person with a hint of God and a mother who was determined to steer me straight, I didn't do too bad for myself.
For example, I beat teenage pregnancy, s$$ scandals, and even a few generational curses that were common in Jamaican families if I really wanted to brag.
I just always knew there was more to life than drinking and partying, tight clothes, and scandals, and I knew it from a young age, so when I did what seemed to be an impromptu baptism in 2017 at just 19 years old, everyone but me and God were surprised.
Beyond me, knowing deep inside that what I did was right, it felt right as well. I surrendered my life without being influenced or prompted, and I made a life-changing decision that would never be erased. It has never been one I regret, but looking back now, I sometimes ask, Could I have been more prepared? Could I have gotten a bit more guidance?
I ask this because, on the journey of continuation (because I am not looking forward to quitting), I have realized just how strange people are and just how practically every organization has standards and traditions that are at times inflexible but not always relevant.
We talk about so many aspects in churches, but we ignore the hierarchies, and we ignore the fact that people like myself, who could never fit in with the world for being "too holy," could also never fit in with the church (for being inhumane at times).
When you look around a church and there's no one like you—the first in your immediate family saved—the first of many things, it's hard not to feel odd, especially when you can't relate to those around you and it's noticeable that you weren't initially from that circle. You try to make up by being involved—a yes man in a sense—and even then you realize that isn't you, and people won't love you for your work but for how well you work for them.
I was implanted with a zeal to want more, to not settle for less, to be willing to work and to sweat as long as I was doing it for God—it was nothing no matter the sacrifice—but when you realize what sacrifice is to you goes unnoticed by everyone else, it almost feels like you're in a limbo.
I could never go back to living for the world, as I have seen and felt the stings of doing that. I know there is more to life. My conscience would never allow me to have any form of long-lived complacency with sin. I don't want it. I don't want to smoke, drink, go to parties every weekend, jump from bed to bed, be lost, or even think of the possibility of me being on the highway to hell.
Yet I admit I have fallen from grace, and only I can even reminisce and lick my wounds as a result of my consequences. I don't have a comrade to vent my darkest moments to or someone to lift me up in prayer when things are not where they ought to be. Someone to reassure me in scripture and tell me that the Lord understands, and yes, encourage yourself indeed, but what happens when I can't even do that?
As I continue my journey devoid of genuine brotherhood, I pray that the Lord helps me, that he guides me, that he uplifts me, and that he continues to be with me even when I have fallen to the point where I can only crawl. Your circle indeed matters in this life, and what I also would like to add (after months of putting this topic on pause) is that you really have to just keep going. Despite the moments where you feel unworthy and unsure, you have to push because serving God is beyond feelings.
Recently, after encountering an incident that really had me change my outlook on unity—on how Christians can at times lack empathy and how I used to crave acceptance—I started to realize that I was acting and reacting based on mere feelings, not remembering that my commitment to the Lord had to surpass that. Don't get me wrong; I'm still a mess. I still need to remind myself to pray, fast, and read the word. I'm not where I want to be, especially lately, when I had to have God pick me up from what could have been potentially the biggest fall of my life.
I know what it feels like to feel odd, misplaced, and unloved—even in church—but I also know God will not let his people suffer. This pain won't last. Maybe you didn't fit in simply because you weren't MEANT to fit in. It isn't because your past isn't like everyone else's; it isn't because your talent is different from everyone else's; it isn't because you don't have the perfect family. I learned that perfection or simply aiming to fit the role of a 'good Christian' is an amazing goal, but we at times should ask ourselves, 'Are we adapting mannerisms and living a certain life because someone told us so? or we simply do what is considered right because we know better and we wish to emulate the King.
Additionally, is a good Christian without flaws and without a past?
Should we live to appease men, or should we live wholeheartedly for God? The creator who already gave us a handbook and gave us conviction.
Scripture References:
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, Philippians 2:12 NIV
For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 KJV
For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:20
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight you-Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity. Proverbs 24:16 ESV
Comments