I consider myself a part-time socialite. I mostly work on weekends and during special events. I take joy in dressing up, laughing, taking photos, having fun and, as the name suggests, "socializing." Now let's remember that this is my part-time activity. When I'm no longer the self-proclaimed social butterfly hanging out with friends from high school, college, church, and even past jobs, clapping and cackling, I am simply a loner (also self-proclaimed). This loosely used term doesn't always sit well with the majority of people who actually have little or no choice but to be by themselves, have gotten accustomed to not being invited out, and simply prefer to be homebodies. Nonetheless, after assessing myself and realizing, through a series of encounters, awkwardness, stand-ups, and cancellations, that I am unquestionably a member of that crew, I am certain that I am a member of that crew. Half the time I freely choose to be ( grown people won't always have time, it seems) and the other half I am left with no choice.
My reasons for this somewhat sketchy title include: I like to be active and proactive, and my energy is often unmatched. My priorities are often just that. My priorities (often unrelatable even though I'm labelled on the surface as flexible and adaptable) mean I'm used to exclusions from intimacies that can't be adjusted; or I should say, never attempted to be adjusted to accommodate me. Instead, they make plans that can be canceled, postponed, or rescheduled. It's fine-I no longer have hard feelings and, truth be told, this is not going to be a post about friends or who is or who isn't there for me. I get it. People have lives, and I, too, won't always be reliable (though I try my hardest). Still, my mindset has long been adjusted to the reality that some people are unavailable; I can't hang with everyone; not everyone wants to hang with me, people make time for who they will; and time alone allows me to learn more about myself. I continue with life, try to never force relationships and just enjoy my own company and others when needs be, and I try to not let cancellations ruin good memories because that's all you have at times-recollection.
Now, with the reality that I am ultimately not everyone's cup of guilty pleasure tea, (I may be chamomile to sooth the nerves or chocolate to make you feel good. I can never be coffee though, and it's fine. ) I have learnt how to cope without fifty friends around me.
I go to the beach, I eat lunch, I go to church events, I read, I binge watch series, I still laugh, I still survive. The problem, however, is that how long can you stand alone. And for how long and during what seasons? Moreover, there's also the question of who notices.
Isolation happens—unexpected, you've been too busy to notice until you realize you're walking through the streets alone, that your phone rarely ever rings, and that you're tired of extending courtesies. For a moment, it's sad and pathetic, but truthfully, it's the kind of isolation that can train you. It's the time when the quiet only competes with the wind, so you may need to talk out loud to God. It's the time your thoughts attack you, so you may need to pray for peace. It's the time when you tire of hobbies and doing things alone, so you need to YouTube sermons on isolation, preparation, and waiting seasons because you may get irritated, you may tire of the songs, go to places alone, and repeat.
It's the time when you have to look around and ask God what's happening and what's the purpose.
Why is it so lengthy?
Why hasn't anyone wondered where I've been?
And in this season of isolation, you can either break, bend, or win.
You can sulk for days and begin to question the people you say you love, even your future. You can cry and never move because loneliness is too hard to bear this time.
You can give up and walk back to the places you shouldn't be because life felt easier, as you weren't so cognizant of pain-or you can fall to your knees and pray.
You can tell God you're a bit confused today, a bit tired of feeling not 'in' but yet always used, feeling as if you have purpose but no way to apply it.
You can tell him to remove bitterness and fear from you so you can boldly walk the path he prepared for you.
You can reassure yourself that the alone times help increase awareness, that beautiful people will come, thanking him for eliminating what may have been distractions.
I, for one, need to recognize that prolonged isolation (not self-imposed ones) serves a purpose. Especially when you're walking straight, when you're actually clear-minded and upright. In those moments, you need to pray for strength, for peace, for unity and fellowship with deserving souls, and most importantly, seek God for all the burdens aiming to attack you. A man should never be alone. Fellowship is extremely important, and so is forming godly bonds. My question is, what happens when there is none? Simply put, you turn to the person who refers to you as a friend.
Proverbs 18:24 NKJV
A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Deuteronomy 31:6 NKJV
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
Mark 1 vs 35 NKJV
Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed.
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