It was the sixth year of my baptism—my anniversary (and yet again another late post as I got baptized on the 2nd of January, but still we celebrate).
At times, if I could relive it, I would-so as to rediscover the feeling of freedom, surrender, and peace like never before. But enough longing. I'm sure many people, including myself, didn't expect me to make it this far, scarred and different but alive and well, and while I appreciate the fact that I am saved, there is still a dissatisfaction when I think about my journey and my relationship with Christ. As I grow, there is always a longing for more. The voice in my head constantly chastises me to become more disciplined and focused and to truly cut off my right hand if it offends me (as the flesh frequently does).
Matthew 5:30 KJV
And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
My dreams are stifled by shame and even warfare, which I know can be overcome through consistent prayer and weeping; the occasional bitterness can be sweetened by contentment and confession; and loneliness and inconsistency in friendships can be alleviated by discovering or, more specifically, strengthening my character in Christ and friendship with Christ. There are so many problems, and truthfully, I may know how to solve them.
As the new year arrives, I have no plan to backslide but to move forward and really capture the year 2023. Despite the fact that 6th year for me is an even number no one says the sixth this or sixth year is the charm, but maybe I'll change that and get something out of the sixth year—finally get even. An even number—so why not get even and finally walk the full-fledged journey I know was designated for me? When I tell people that I believe I am unique or out of the ordinary, they respond with silence. The tests, loneliness, seclusion, and stumbling blocks are all part of the process of becoming who God wants me to be. This time around, I'll stop telling people how I feel and show them, because with everything bursting on the inside—every desire and every single dream—I don't want them to die but to live.
I want my words to be anointed, my life to be an example, and to not worry about settling in as I was made to stand out. As the preacher said on the night I needed it the most, "My next chapter will be my best chapter," not just materialistically but also spiritually and with every other ally. I don't want the coming year to be filled with sorrow and depression because, yes, a man of God struggles, but can struggles outweigh God's greatness?
How can I simply celebrate the bear minimum and feel satisfied when there is a longing in my heart to do more—to walk straight, to be pure, to be bold?
How can a new year arrive while the shattered past sweeps in to take precedence?
How can a new year arrive, along with a spiritual anniversary of sorts, and the fruits still be withheld?
And maybe I am doing well enough, but does the thirst, the zeal, and the desire to grow and love the creator more ever really cease with time?
Do you become satisfied after living as a Christian but not taking up authority or walking in purpose?
Do you simply put on the title and neglect the role?
I want to walk the way I know I was ordained to walk and speak the way God wants me to speak. Happy Anniversary, and happy 2023! But I know this year will not just merely pass by for me.
Matthew 5:6
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied
Matthew 22:14
For many are called, but few are chosen
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