Recently, I have been contemplating, or more so, organizing in my mind, a decision, a move, a plan, a strategy, whatever you may call it, and each time I am left either flustered, happy, eager, or disappointed. An array of emotions that, when looking back, I sum up as being confused, unsure, and skeptical—words that, biblically, I know aren't what God would like for me. But yet the thoughts persist, and these thoughts, I must add, aren't about menial things that have little effect on my future. I could rightly justify them, but what I detest about having them is that often I am left with no conclusion, no clear direction, and yet I know that if I were to decide randomly how to proceed based on the two conflicting thoughts in my mind, I could help make or break my future EITHER WAY. Similar to what I wrote previously about my thoughts.
My plans were never from a place of recklessness, but on both sides of the spectrum, the pros and cons were almost identical, yet I could not let go of the notion. I could not resist thinking about how to proceed. I can say the skepticism is because of a potential warning, yes, and that God is protecting me (which I wholeheartedly agree that delays are blessings in disguise), as he is omniscient and any vision that my mortal mind has is superseded by his being and knowledge. Yet even in my visions, my figment of what could be on both sides, it does not eliminate God; I have in fact weaved him into my plans. And yes, I recall one of my most life-affirming and favorite scriptures that:
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21 NIV
I long to be somewhere, and truthfully, the longing comes from a place of strictly potential—potential happiness, potential growth, potential finances—and on the flip side, in the part where I know what could be, the journey seems already tragic yet ultimately fulfilling and familiar. And as they say, the grass is greener where you water it. So many times, I know I sound obsessive and like a broken disc record to my peers, and truthfully, it's ironic because the longing descended upon me suddenly, and whereas I could identify the dangers, the desire the want for a better well being continued.
And again lets say it is negative this yearning, how can an unprosperous longing remain for so long? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
I also consider blockages and purpose, and the story of Daniel, who prayed, and it was revealed that the prince of Persia tried to block his deliverance!
But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. NIV Daniel 10:13
And speaking of prayer, I begin to even question my actions.
Have I been praying about this in the way I should? Fervently prayed?
And even in this song, has my all truly been left at the altar?
And I mean not only my intentions but every single ounce of me—did I really give my heart, my soul, and my desires to God?
The fasting, the continuous praying, even. Do I lack an answer simply because I have avoided or, more so, not been persistent with spiritual fundamentals?
What if my answer is before me but my physical eyes cannot see it?
Even in this slightly overanalytical discussion, what if, to quell my spirit, all I need is consistency in the throne room?
To eliminate the warnings, the doubts, the excitement, even..
I think back on the journey, and I know I have prayed, and I also know all things do work for my good, but have I been making moves and asking God for help later? Was I truly dependent on God, or was I only conscious that he was always available just in case?
I have constantly made mention of these thoughts and plans that remain unfulfilled; I have attempted to follow through and yet another red flag kept being waved at me, and I overlooked it and made my next move. I restarted it almost like a board game or a virtual game. I reassess strategy, and I sometimes forget to study the game plan, it seems. But that too is almost impossible because if my guide is the savior, why am I surprised each time he outdoes me?
Who am I to think I could see or comprehend the moves without even asking?
God has given me fearlessness and wisdom. Yes, but did God give me an entry to try and overstep his title as the ultimate master of strategy?
We at times treat life like a game; one wrong move and you're out, but if God created me and already numbered my days, why am I trying to foresee and complicate the game plan he has for my life by interfering?
Scriptures
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 KJV
I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. Psalm 32:8 KJV
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
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