I always wanted a 9-to-5 job where I would do little to nothing. I would show up to work and do my best, but there wouldn't be anything too hard or too demanding of me at that particular job.
I always wanted to be a part of a social group, whether religious (no cults here), community-based, or anything else.
I always wanted to speak, to share my sentiments, not for my voice to be heard but in the hopes that the essence was being heard.
And lastly, I always thought what I wanted was what I needed; Then I dove headfirst and experienced all of them.
Reality:
I realized that a job without passion is like the beach without waves: it exists but offers nothing spontaneous or thrilling to experience.
I also realized that fitting in also meant conforming to things you weren't accustomed to or even accepted.
And I came to see that speaking aloud would always be met with opposition, doubts, and delays. It's almost ironic because my desire to do them was so strong and overpowering that I couldn't breathe.
The desire to settle for and achieve one of these goals would linger and haunt my mind. And then it happens, and I realize my want was not necessarily my need.
Truth
I could survive in a non-stereotypical working environment with non traditional hours if it meant I could have more liveliness; I could learn myself before forcing my way into groups I knew little to nothing about; and I would prefer to live without constantly being combated when it came to differences in opinions.
And it leads me to think—not necessarily regretting the moment—but wondering about all the times when God refused me, when I was delayed only to realize that I was still operational without that one thing I once felt I would die without. It leaves me to ask, "How does one rationalize wants versus needs from a spiritual standpoint?" Or, more specifically, "How does a child of God know when God says no to a want but not a need?
Have you ever anticipated something that could change your life to the point where you cannot breathe, eat, or sleep properly?
Have you ever dreamed of a thing—a job, a house, or a relationship—that isn't necessarily wrong but you just feel you need to sigh some more or muster up enough courage for yourself?
Have you ever hungered so much for a new leg of your journey, whether by position or addition?
….and yet nothing happens. The path seemed clear; it didn't seem "evil", but it passed you by and never saw you—or maybe it did see you 5 or even 10 years later. But when you thought you needed it the most there was nothing.
How does one console themselves when they lose battles with their wants and desires?
I ask this because a need is always, according to dictionary.cambridge.org, the thing you must have for a satisfactory life. And maybe if you are somewhat philosophical like me, you would ask what exactly is satisfactory, or satisfaction, and is that self-definitive?
Truthfully, objections are welcome, but we should also come to terms with the fact that, more often than not, what we think we want is never what we need. And even saying that out loud is hard because currently I am desperate for just one thing that I have prayed years and years for but it has not yet come to pass. I have survived without it, yes, but I can't help but think how life would be so different with it in my possession—not even easier but just different. And then I really thought to myself, I know this could be God's protection. It's being withheld for a reason; the season is not now, though it seems overdue, and it could even be monumental and seemingly ordained. But I really take a deep breath and start to think maybe I need to surrender some more things to God, maybe I need to grow more or learn more, and maybe this step I want to take will set me back if I take it right now in the state that I am in—eager and anxious.
There is a reason for the delay, I know, but I can't help but think about how there were days I almost could not fathom how I survived in spite of not having it. So the revelation is not that we don't understand delays or God's timing, but do we understand that God said he would satisfy our needs and that often times our own personal desires may not align with his purpose?
I may sound unoriginal when I say this, but I recognize a formula that even I myself don't always fervently use, and that is prayer, fasting, and reading the word.
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3 vs 5-6 KJV
This helps you to put into perspective why our wants aren't always fulfilled, yet reassures us that God does care and can cater to our desires. It also helps us to define what we truly cannot live without.
Scriptures:
For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.
Jeremiah 31:25 KJV
He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income; this also is vanity. Ecclesiastes 5:10 ESV
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Philippians 4 : 11-12 KJV
And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11 ESV
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