Dark days came unexpectedly, almost like the rain at times. Some days I was prepared, rain coat, umbrella and all, and then there were days I just got soaked—and even felt sick. Ultimately, you cannot stop the rain, in the same way you cannot prevent the sun from shining.
I convinced myself and reaffirmed myself many times that I was resilient, brave and never too far from redemption no matter what. Mishaps, unexpected trials, and even blunders were nothing new to me; they shaped me into the charismatic, often overly sarcastic, long-suffering, emotionally suppressive, analytical, and even intellectual woman I am. I know not every one of the descriptions were positive, but that's how I felt at times. My bad days, I retell them as truthfully and theatrically as possible-I laugh, I don't cry, and as long as the setting is right, I can share them unashamedly. What puzzles me about bad rainy days is when lightning accompanies it and strikes twice. When history repeats itself, when the past reemerges, when nostalgia turns to cynicism, that's when I'm not sure how to proceed. Why is life repeating itself, and why does it have to be from some of the worst parts?
I always account the first two years of my life after baptism as the hardest-the most demanding and even conflicting. I was alone, my emotions were scattered, trouble was everything and anyone, and I didn't know if God was the only one I should tell. Besides that, I wasn't always sure how to do it. But I realized that my problems were just that: mine, and I could either give them to God or... die. Harsh but realistically, anxiety is a killer, and transitioning into a world where few people want to guide you on either side, or even know how to, or even have the ability! It wakes you up to the reality that everything , good and bad, concerning you-it's your life and your responsibilities, do with them what you please. I had to account for myself and, by saying some very raw and radical prayers to God, I did. I had to remaster my emotions, how people viewed me, and remind myself of why I did what I did. I regained my confidence, I learnt contentment, and I thought I had passed the tests. You know the tests life/God gives you at every level and moment?
I thought I mastered How to get Over Depression, aced Finances, topped Confidence and Self Image, I killed Controlling Desires and Emotions, I was a pro at failing only mock exams, and I passed the course on How to Overcome and Climb Upwards Only. I reveled in the awards, and I was sure I was the A+ student. I moved on to whatever I thought was next because I felt I had to. I was over that level, and maybe God didn't say go, but I told him I was ready a million times, and I already saw most of what was to come. I was ready to sail across the ocean.
Fast forward—I started drowning slowly.
I always thought that I was where I needed to be until this episode. It wasn't what I wanted to partake in. Life is like that. You do it so right and you think you listened, but you were listening to the wrong thing. Perhaps you were even doing it right, but because the puddles became more frequent, the storms more unannounced, you question everything. I couldn't wrap my mind around it; why old habits resurfaced, trauma seemed to be like flashbacks, and progress seemed far away and imaginative. Did I lose God? Was he speaking to me? I began asking and answering my questions like: I still feel him, but why this season? What other lesson could I learn from an old story? -- Did I ever fully understand the lesson before?
I see changes. I am achieving, but I'm also failing.
But I had to see reason and erase the lies and confusion...
When memories from the past resurface, when old wounds cause pain, when temptation and desire for old habits reign supreme, you must pray.
It was raining because that was expected-I was drowning because I was unprepared spiritually and needed my lifeboat that was still there. Spiritual warfare is real-prepared or not. See, I was going to church, but I was inconsistent with my bible. I was getting all these opportunities and positions, but I wasn't recognizing their importance or remembering my goals—my purpose. I was at places I put myself due to impatience but failed to see God was waiting. I became miserable because I was forgetting that peace doesn't come from worldly things or even conditions but from Jesus. As I assess myself, I know I complained about the rain because I was ignorant and forgot to pray for protection, guidance, and strength in the midst of such things.
Ephesians 6:11-16 NKJV
11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,
15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
Comments